Throw Some Deez On This Blog

I started blogging back in the day, but an older and wiser friend of mine recently refueled my fire to blog. This is my take on something I borrowed from her blog, and I'm making it my second post as an homage to her. Basicallyshestheshitandsupersmartandfunny, so like go read her blog: www.pleasedontfeedthehipsters.blogspot.com.

If I were…
If I were a month, I’d be February (28 days? 29 days? Why can't that damn month ever hit the 30 mark?).
If I were a day of the week, I’d be Thursday.
If I were a time of day, I’d be that hour you skip during Day Light Savings.
If I were a planet, I’d be Pluto (we thought it was a planet, then we didn't - what a sick joke).
If I were an animal, I’d be anything without fur or feathers because that'd just be tragic to be allergic to yourself.
If I were a direction, I’d be that one that GoogleMaps always leaves out that ends up screwing you over.
If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a barstool. Sit, stand, or hit someone in the back of the head with it.
If I were a liquid, I’d be Mercury.
If I were a gemstone, I’d be that Moonstone that Mary Kate and Ashley search for in Double Double Toil and Trouble.
If I were a tree, I’d be short.
If I were a tool, I’d be The Situation.
If I were a flower, I’d be a buttercup. If you believe in me, I'll tell you if you like butter or not by emanating a yellowish glow on your chin.
If I were a kind of weather, I’d be a wintry mix. I always liked how the E is omitted in the word "winter" there.
If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a recorder. Do I mean those annoying imitation second-rate flute/clarinet type pieces of crap you're forced to squeak through in elementary school, or a device that captures sound? Your call.
If I were a color, I’d be Unmellow Yellow.
If I were an emotion, I’d be emo.
If I were a fruit, I’d be a tomato. Borderline vegetable.
If I were a sound, I’d be that unceasing sniffling noise coming from the kid in the back corner of your class while you're taking a test.
If I were an element, I’d be Earth, Wind, or Fire just so I could be a part of the group... They're some bad mamajamas.
If I were a car, I’d be a gas guzzler.
If I were a food, I’d be a Klondike bar. What would you do for me?
If I were a place, I’d be the capital of Wisconsin. Or a Square Garden. Or an Avenue. Oh wait...
If I were a material, I’d be pleather... perfect for sweating.
If I were a taste, I’d be savory with a spicy aftertaste.
If I were a scent, I’d be Lipsmackers Lunar Lime. Ballin'.
If I were an object, I’d be a teleportation device. Hasn't been invented yet but you know it's gonna be fucking awesome when it is.
If I were a body part, I’d be the funny bone. Sounds like a good time, but it's not so funny when you hurt it, is it?
If I were a facial expression, I’d be a raised eyebrow.
If I were a song, I’d be Back That Azz Up by Juvenile. Classy.
If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be stripper stilettos with reinforced heels sturdy enough to dance on top of a bar in and make it through the Walk of Shame home in.