I'm at the Jersey Shore, bitch!

In honor of the Jersey Shore 2 premiere last night (which I strongly recommend you all watch as if your tan depended on it), I have compiled a list of necessary terms for one to be familiar with if you aren't from Jersey and/or have never seen the show (blasphemy). Study up then head to MTV.com to check out last night's stellar premiere in which the crew heads to Miami to bring some Jersey Shore style to the South East coast.

• GTL: an acronym standing for "Gym, Tanning, Laundry" which indicates the method used by guidos as preparation for a night out. Consists of working out at the gym for at least an hour, heading to the tanning salon if you couldn't make it to the beach that week, and picking out the hottest outfit.


• GFA/GFF: acronyms standing for "Grenade Free America" and "Grenade Free Foundation". The GFF advocates the GFA campaign. Please see: "grenade".


• Grenade: term used to describe a fuller-figured ugly woman


• Landmine: term used to describe a thinner ugly woman


• Gorilla Juicehead: a very muscular, good looking Guido


• Blowout: a typical Guido hairstyle in which an excessive amount of hair gel is applied to the hair before using a blow dryer to create an effect similar to sticking your finger in an electrical socket.


• Poof: the Guidette female counterpart for the Guido's "blowout", a hairstyle in which the hair at the front of the scalp is gathered into a big bubble on the top of the head and secured by a chip clip and an excessive amount of hairspray.


• Fist Pump: a staple dance move in which a fist is formed and thrust into the air repeatedly to the beat of house music.


• Beat Up the Beat: a form of killing it on the dance floor at a club. One must start out crouched down low on the floor, with a fist pump formed, and literally "beat" the beat up by fist pumping all the way up to standing position before going absolutely wild.


• Creep: to search for and hit on women. To truly go all out is known as "getting creepy, filthy, and weird".


• Smush: to have sex.


• Bomb: a friend of the female you are trying to pursue who is getting in the way of your plans of taking said female home. A bomb must be detonated or else she will become catastrophic to your plans.


• Robbery: stealing another guy's girl.

Like Breathing

WE SHOULD CONSIDER EVERY DAY LOST ON WHICH WE HAVE NOT DANCED AT LEAST ONCE.

-NIETZSCHE-

I Scream, You Scream...

As all of you should know, July has been National Ice Cream Month ever since Reagan proclaimed it as such during his reign as 40th President of the U.S., marking July 17 as the official "National Ice Cream Day". It isn't hard to understand why we are the most obese nation after simply looking at the facts surrounding this decadent treat: according to the USDA, an American citizen averages about 23 QUARTS per YEAR. That's nearly 24,000 calories added to your diet! (No, that third zero was unfortunately not a typo.) But before I ruin a good old American tradition along the ranks of baseball and fireworks, take a look at some of the latest trends in everyone's favorite chilly sweet treat. Forget Dippin Dots, this is the ice cream of the future.

• Coldstone Creamery: This nation-wide ice cream shop offers a smorgasbord of flavors and "creations", which are a whole new spin on the classic ice cream sundae. Singing workers blend a number of your favorite toppings, ranging from Oreos to cheesecake to strawberries, in with their signature flavors such as birthday cake and mint. Ever-encouraging the overindulgence of Americans, sizes are enormous and inspire a crackhead terminology (according to comedian Aziz Ansari) with labels "Like It", "Love It", and "GOTTA HAVE IT!". Beware of stomach aches. What to try: Birthday Cake Remix, but don't get a size bigger than Like It, their smallest, or you'll find yourself passing up birthday cake at the next 10 birthday parties you go to, including your own.


• The Penn State University Creamery: I discovered this gem during a summer program at PSU. Let me start by saying that this ice cream is so good that rumor has it, it's banned from being sold in regular supermarkets due to its absurdly high fat content (14.1%, to be exact). With indecisiveness being one of my many personality flaws, I can't stand the arrogant "no-mixing" rule put into effect at the Creamery. What to try: Show your loyalty to the team by getting a heart-attack inducing double scoop of Mint Nittany or Peachy Paterno in a freshly baked waffle cone.


• Van Leeuwen Aristan Ice Cream Truck: The trendiest in ice cream of New York City, locals and tourists alike can get a lick of Van Leeuwen's sophisticatedly crafted frozen treats by hunting down any of their several ice cream trucks sprinkled throughout Manhattan and Brooklyn. With its growing popularity, Whole Foods has now taken on Van Leeuwen's by offering the ice cream by the pint in its stores across New York and New Jersey. The best way to experience VL ice cream, however, is streetside from one of their old-fashioned trucks, because you can also grab a cup of hot coffee to negate the brain freeze you might acquire from quickly gobbling down this delicious dessert. What to try: A refreshing scoop of Ginger paired with an Espresso.

Take a break from the hot summer heat and have a taste of one - or all three - of the coolest ice cream shops of the 21st century. You're only following your American duties, for goodness sake!

Incepcion

Earning $21 million its opening day, and breaching $60 million in its opening weekend, Christopher Nolan's mind-blowing Inception has the potential to become one of this era's most legendary sci-fi flicks. It's intricate plot can be a little difficult to grasp, but luckily for you I've stumbled upon a great alternative. I present you with Incepcion, starring your favorite toddler immigrant, Dora the Explorer.

Is 30 the new 20?

Time Magazine recently reported that women peak at age 31 in terms of beauty, style, and confidence. The study was based off of a survey performed by QVC, and it tested about 2000 British men and women. In light of the report, I decided to do some investigating of my own by comparing photos of celebs in their teens/20s versus their 30s. What do you think?

Cameron Diaz

Drew Barrymore

Angelina Jolie

"No city in the world arrests more of its citizens for using pot than New York, according to statistics compiled by Harry G. Levine, a Queens College sociologist. Nearly NINE OUT OF TEN people charged with violating the law are black or Latino, although national surveys have shown that whites are the heaviest users of pot." (The New York Times)

I won't cry anymore; I'll just sweat twice as much. So you'll NEVER have a shot at seeing me bleed.

Monday Mantra

Everyone can and will let you down, prove you wrong, show you another side of themselves at some point. Who you turn to for one problem will become the source of it himself somewhere down the line. You will find yourself constantly searching for the next person to confide in, vent to, and sympathize with because the last one didn't work out so well, yet you're hoping this one will. But you must learn that the only thing constant about this journey is the journey itself, and you will never attain the consistency you might have or will always believe exists.

At the end of the day, the end of the week, the month, the year, your lifetime: you have yourself. You have yourself when you have no one else, and no one else has you. This is why you must never create the ability to let yourself down, because once you do, and you truly do allow yourself to do it, you will have nothing left.

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure... that you really are strong, and that you really do have worth." -Veronica A. Shoffstall

Missing Manhattan

"Chapter one: He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Beneath his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. I love this. New York was his town, and it would always be."

Manhattan (1979)

Style of the Day

Janelle Monae

I'm a Barbie Girl

After doing some research, I've come to the realization that in my next life, I must be Barbie.



First of all, having "Barbie" as a first name is totally acceptable when you find out that homegirl's middle name is "Millicent". Come ON, you cannot get more baller status than "Millicent". Bittie is an independent boss woman who has man-candy Ken on hand at all times, and when he started neglecting his personal appearance, she kicked his ass to the curb and wouldn't take him back til he got his shit together. Don't even get me started on her whips. Barbie has a different ride for every day of the week, and all of them are fabulous (a convertible, a Jeep Wrangler, and even an RV for those crazy camping trips). And if for some reason B doesn't feel like polluting the atmosphere, she can just ride one of her horses. Not to mention, Barb's got an entire zoo of exotic pets, including but not limited to: a zebra, a panda, and a lion, all of which she keeps in the poolhouse of her multilevel dreamhouse equipped with a pool. And Barbie wasn't just given all of these luxuries: babygirl is a self-starting go-getter whose held a range of jobs such as doctor, astronaut, lawyer, pilot, lead singer of her own band, fashion model, and Nascar racer - just to name a few. Obviously with a lifestyle that is so fabulous, she can't help but have a plethora of hottie friends, and Teresa and Midge have always been her bests (til Midge had an illegitimate baby with boyfriend Allan... what a ho).




Is there even a need to go on? Barbie Millicent Roberts is a high class bitch; who wouldn't wanna be her in the future life?

Monster Mash

From late Wednesday night through early this morning, more than 18,000 of the world's best fans flocked to Rockefeller Plaza in NYC to weather the heat and rain for Mama Monster Lady Gaga's performance on NBC's Today Show. Gags performed at 8:30 this morning as a part of the show's Summer Concert series and did not disappoint, as per usual.

Her performance included the usually unusual costumes and choreography, but Gaga's true vocal talents were showcased this time as she opened with a beautiful rendition of "Someone to Watch Over Me". This was followed by, of course, "Bad Romance", "Alejandro", and "Teeth", which she dedicated to her devoted little monsters whom she had sent pizza and water to yesterday while they awaited this morning's show. Gaga also gifted fans with an even tastier treat: a song from her upcoming album. "You and I" is a more soulful and slower ballad as opposed to her typical upbeat dance jams. The song had a style reminiscent of The Fame Monster's "Speechless", and LG, while sipping out of a large china teacup, claimed that this track is much different from the rest of the tracks to be featured on her next album. As Gaga closed the mini-concert with "Teeth", the skies opened up and rain downpoured on the star and the lot of fans, symbolizing the cathartic effect typically experienced by Gags and her fans after every performance.

Once again, my faith in Lady Gaga continues to strengthen. I can't wait to see what she has in store for us with her next outfit, album, performance.

Check out her performance of "You and I" on The Today Show here:

The Best Feelings Ever:

• Jumping into an ice cold pool after being so hot you think you might die
• Waking up to discover that you have a snow day and school/work has been cancelled
• Returning home to find that package you've been waiting forever for has finally been delivered
• The moments following a misguided freakout about losing something such as your wallet or cell phone in which you realize you didn't lose it and it's actually right there
• Chugging the crispest, chillest, most delicious water you've ever tasted immediately following a hard physical feat
• Seeing that he or she texted you
• Falling asleep on a hot, crowded beach and waking up after the sun goes down and everyone's deserted it
• Catching your favorite movie on TV at the beginning
• Winning. At anything.
• Driving with the windows down in a car filled with your best friends and the radio turned up
• Thinking it's Monday and realizing it's Friday
• Giving somebody a gift that he's geniunely grateful for
• Telling a well-received joke/Making people laugh
• Earning the respect of your professor/your boss/your parent/someone you respect
• Teaching something new and profound to someone
• Crying at a tear-jerking movie
• Making a new friend
• Nailing that turn/Scoring that goal
• Trying something new... and liking it
• Falling in love and having someone there to catch you

The Truth Must Be Heard.

Just thought I'd share a little something-something from my husband-to-be Aziz Ansari aka RAAAAAAAANDY. This propaganda, otherwise known as TRUTH, against spawn of satan Justin Bieber, is only further evidence that Aziz and I are meant to be. I always knew that little blonde headed piece of crap was up to no good.